Perfectionism Made Me Gaslight My Teacher

Photo by Ondrej Supitar on Unsplash

During primary school, I accidentally gaslit my teacher into believing that they had lost one of my projects. But the truth is, I never gave them my project. 

The project was about Thomas Edison and the invention of the light bulb. 

I put a lot of effort into it. I did the research. I cut yellow cardstock into the shape of a light bulb. I got my texta’s and wrote pretty headings. 

I wanted it to be perfect.

This desire for perfection meant that I didn’t finish it on time. I missed the deadline.  

Now my timing wasn’t perfect enough. 

This filled me with dread and shame. I felt so incompetent. So imperfect. 

So, I decided to avoid all of those feelings by refusing to acknowledge the failure. 

Even though my project was complete, I never handed it in. 

In my young mind, this seemed like a great solution. Never handing it in meant that I never had to deal with the consequences of being late. I never had to acknowledge that it happened. 

Inevitably, one day my teacher asked me if I had handed in my project. 

“Yes I gave it to you” I lied. 

And here is where the accidental gaslighting happened. 

A couple of my friends had seen me work on the project, and they honestly believed that I had handed it in on the due date. So when I was questioned by our teacher, they backed me up. 

“Yeah we saw it, it was in the shape of a light bulb” they said.

With a puzzled look, our teacher accepted this answer and never spoke of it again. 

The guilt I felt over this was intense. 

I missed many more deadlines in the future, but I never lied about it again. I owned the lateness. 

The reason I am telling you this is because perfectionism comes at a high price.   

It acts like a steel wall around your comfort zone.

In the short term, it keeps you feeling safe. It prevents you from experiencing the pain of judgement and failure. But in the long term, it prevents your comfort zone from expanding.

It keeps you small. Rigid. Stuck.

Perfection is the enemy of progress

As a child, I was rewarded for getting things right and punished for getting things wrong.

I was never taught the value of failure.

I learnt only the end result counted. Not the process of learning. Not the progress of growing. I learnt to avoid making mistakes, or to cover it up so no one knew about them.

Perfection was deeply tied to my self worth. In my mind, submitting something imperfect meant that I would be making myself unworthy. Mistakes would prove my incompetence.

This resulted in a comfort zone that was very stringent and small. No mistakes or failures of any kind were allowed. I always had to get it right to prove my usefulness and worthiness.

I have been a perfectionist for most of my life.

It made me fearful to try new things. Fearful of speaking up. Fearful to be my true self. Because, what if I got it wrong? What if people saw how deeply flawed I truly am?

How many lost opportunities do I have because of this perfectionistic mentality?

Overcoming perfectionism meant slowly dismantling that steel wall around my comfort zone.

It meant accepting failure. Embracing mistakes. Moving through uncomfortable feelings. Allowing vulnerability.

I had to learn that it is possible to have high standards and at the same time be imperfect.

Failure is how we learn to improve. It is a natural and necessary part of growth.

The goal is not to reach perfection. The goal is to progress. To grow. To explore.

The exciting thing about progress is that it is flexible.

There is always room for change. Growth. Improvement.

There is always a next level to reach. We can choose to progress as much or as little as we like, and it will be good enough. Not perfect. Good enough.

Good enough is freeing. It creates choice. The freedom to dabble. The ability to be progressive and flexible. 

Good enough gives us permission to stop and let go. Feedback and judgement suddenly become easy to receive, because the goal is to move forward knowing that there is always room for progress if we desire it.

I still struggle with perfectionism.

But my aim is not to be perfect at overcoming perfectionism.

My aim is to just get a little bit better at it each day.

I will miss the mark. I will get it wrong. And I’ll keep moving forward, knowing that there is always room for change.

I am worthy, even when I’m not perfect. And so are you.

Natty ❤️